A Peek at a Pudgy Pugilist's Personal Pages

Written By Purple Roach

Art by Wom-bat


Wednesday, Jan 12th 1984

Dear Diary,

I got a call from momma the other day. Yeah you know better than anyone how those always go. She talked my ear off for about an hour or two before getting to her big concern which was, surprise surprise, my wrestling career. *sigh* Y’know it was hard enough for me to break the news to her and pa about where I was spending all those nights after school and was even harder telling them I was moving to the big city to, y’know, beat other women up for a living, so she does not need to remind me how much heartache and worry I’m bringing them week after week on T.V. But she still calls every Sunday morning at 8 am (Just after church and just when my concussion from last night starts up.) to remind me what a pain it is to have a daughter like me.


In other news, my dear diary, I signed up for a match next week against Fiona Flash. It was a last minute schedule change and I hopped on (oh don’t laugh) to fill the gap. I can’t remember what happened to the former main event wrestlers. Both girls got injured or arrested or gay married or some nonsense yesterday and the-powers-that-be were desperate to replace them. God, big main event slot open and I get stuck with a prissy prima donna like Fiona Flash. She’s not all that tough but…*shudder*…from what I’ve seen of her, she has…wandering hands. It is not going to be a fun match.

Note to self: First time she squeezes a melon, bite her face off.

Sorry about all the whining tonight diary. It’s just been an up and down day. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a bit sunnier.


Bon Bon

Thursday, Jan 13th 1984
Dear Diary,

Just two more days until my big match and my big butt tears my favorite suit! Yeah, the yellow one! Yes the one with all the cute flowers! And those sexy straps on the hips! Gone! It’s completely ruined thanks to these out of control gams of mine!


I wish someone would invent a machine to just suck the lard right out of my fat rump! I swear I’ll never lose these thunder thighs of mine. Yeah, yeah, I know it helps when I’m choking the life out of some bimbo but God how am I suppose to get any sense of style going if this blubber bod of mine rips all my favorite clothes to shreds? I mean come on butt work with me here! Not to mention, its murder on my sex life! Not that being a pro wrestler helps that much either. Guys just don’t like a girl that can press slam them through tables.

Gotta go shopping tomorrow I guess and pick up a new one. Something… blue maybe or pink? What do you think hmm?
I did some research on my opponent to be after my morning jog and boy oh boy is she a winner. She’s been DQ’ed for more acts of unsportsman (or is it unsportswoman?) like conduct than any other woman in the state, maybe even the territory. Not for roughneck tactics but for “other” kinds of dirty tactics. It was a lot worse than I thought. I knew she had a rep for being a real sex crazed trash queen but, total barf, her match record looks more like a sex offender rap sheet. I mean she’s done it all. IT…ALL!

Cross your fingers for me my dear diary. Ma and Pa are going to be watching and I’d rather they not see me deflowered on national TV.


Bon Bon

Monday, Jan 17th 1984
Dear Diary,

Sorry I’ve been gone for so long! I’ve been waiting on the match photos to develop so I can paste them here. Kissing that Japanese camera man really paid off cause they look fantastic! Thanks Toshi! Or was it just Tony? Whatever! Okay deep breath, clear my head, adjust the neck *CRACK* and here we go!

Okay first and foremost I have to say the crowd was sooo not on my side that night. I knew Fiona was popular going into the match but geez, her fans were such goons! I was pelted with like everything in the building the second I stepped out from backstage. Security was lousy that night too, so every redneck jock and trailer queen that wanted to try me got their shots in. I was shoved, teased, and taunted all the way to the ring while picking all the popcorn and bubblegum wads out of my golden locks. And of course when they saw it getting to me they only pelted me with more crap.
I played it up good though. If I was going to be the bad girl tonight I figured I might as well have fun with it.


Hey now who’s that fine piece of carrot cake? I gotta admit I’m lookin pretty damn babelicious in this photo. The new suit’s a perfect fit! Hooray for spandex!


Booooo! Will you take a look at that shameless Jessabelle? Flaughtin her things all over the ring? *BLEH* Am I right?

Okay let’s get down to the action! After a quick inspection by the ref the bell sounded and we hooked up center ring. We had a good back and forth going but I wanted to put her in her place early so I tripped her up and went to work on the mat. MY territory hehehe!

Oh shoot you don’t know do you? I could have sworn I had at least one wrestling team story in you. Well whatever. All you need to know is I joined the high school wrestling team sophomore year and was like the queen of the mats until I graduated. I went pro that summer but still practiced all my mat moves on a few friends and more than a few unwilling participates (You had it coming Cindy!). So I’m still like the goddess of grappling. Fiona was doomed…or so I thought.

Now I’ve mat wrestled a lot of people, from Angry April August to Zahra the Zebra to the entire Greenditch high school varsity wrestling team at once (best prom ever!), but Fiona was an entirely different kind of opponent. For one, none of those other bums ever tried to frisk me during a grapevine stretch. Or licked my face when I put a tight rear choke on, or spanked my butt when I tried for a bodylock! Really, I think Fiona is my perverse mat skill double. Not pleasant to find out at the start of the bout let me tell you.

It was a real pain to get any kind of advantage over her on the mats so I gave up and decided to just beat her silly.

I was pretty mad to about being matched move for move (I’m still the queen darn it!) so I delivered a solid elbow to her gut and pulled her up to by her hair. Oh don’t give that look diary, I was the bad girl in this match remember? A little catty hair pulling is perfectly reasonable. Anyway I tossed her into the nearby corner and just started wailing on her. I’m not known for my heavy punches but believe me after the match Fiona was gonna tell everyone about them. She was reeling and sagging after like punch number…um…I wanna say nine… so I hoisted her up again by her hair. By this time the ref had had enough of me and pulled me away from her. She gave me a lecture about my hair pulling and not getting Fiona out of the corner, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Unfortunately for me while I was getting an earful from the ref my back was turned on Fiona and she used it to her advantage.


She put a boot to my butt, shoving me forward so she could leap on top of my back. She got on and wrapped her skinny arms around my throat trying to choke me out with a piggy back style sleeper hold. Now I’ve got a thick neck so it didn’t hurt that much but it was a little hard to breath. Plus, duh, I really didn’t want a total pervert like her grinding on my back. Not to mention all the gross stuff she was whispering in my ear!

Yeah she had to go. So I gripped her legs real tight and jumped onto my back, squashing her like a pancake between me and the canvas. She let go, I rolled away, and we were back at square one. We both got to our feet in no time and circled each other looking for an advantage. I wanted to go for another lock up and try to out power her, y’know toss her around and junk, she had other plans. The second I put my hands up to grip her arms she dropkicked the hell out of me!

Seriously they should ban the dropkick. I mean it really freakin hurts! I got the @#$*& wind knocked out of me! Not to mention the damage to my love pillows. Poor pillows *squeeze* Anyway, I was on my back and Fiona was on my front trying for an early pin. She just got a one count before I bridged and tossed her off. She didn’t like that one bit and gave me a hard slap across my face and tried to for a cross body pin. That didn’t even make it to one because now…it was on!

No one slaps me in the face! Punches, kicks, and chairs? Cool, but not slaps. They’re degrading y’know?

As I tried to get to my feet, she landed a couple solid kicks to my chest and belly to keep me down. But I was so PO’ed from that slap I wasn’t gonna let her lame noodle legged kicks keep me away. I rushed her down and delivered an awesome knee to her washboard abs. I followed that up with a real nasty headbutt and then while she was dizzy…are you ready for it…a DDT baby!


See what happens when you make me mad? Huh punk?! I so should have yelled that. After I put her down with that sweet sweet DDT I decided to really let her have it with this headscissor. I climbed on top of her for leverage and just clamped those heavenly hips of mine around her scrawny neck. She kicked and screamed but I had too much weight on her for an escape and the more she struggled, the more air she lost. It was just a matter of time now.

Then I got an idea.


Okay I know this looks bad but hear me out. Just before Fiona went nighty night from my scissor she, hand to god, said she loved me. I mean right there, passing out, with me about to win the match, she told me she loved me. And then she followed it up with a tongue across my calf. Um…eew…Like that would save her or something. So I thought, Okay I’m sick of this. She wants me, she can have me. ALL of me! So I let go, adjusted my body, and let my womanhood finish her off.


After the bimbo went beddy-bye, I put my big bad boot on her brimming bosoms to beat her butt but good. Hmm, not enough B’s…oh well. Anyway, the ref counted one-two-three, I flexed and smiled for my hate filled lynch mob audience, and I made my exit with my dignity intact. What more could a girl ask for?

Well in Fiona’s case a rematch. Yeah she challenged me backstage and I told her I’d think about it. She was a good fight and I could always use another win on my record. *giggle* If I do accept of course I’m hoping she takes the match more serious and ditches all the foreplay for real fighting.

Well that's all she wrote about the match. Like literally. Not alot has been going on in my personal life (of course) for the past few days so nothing to say there. So until next time!


Bon Bon

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